Calling All Christian Women . . . Let’s talk about sex.

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Yep, s.e.x.  Let me first say what I want this conversation to be and not to be.

1.  I want it to be an actual conversation.  I welcome all opinions and comments.  I’m not offended by the thoughts and opinions of others on this topic (or any topic for that matter).  And I know this topic is intensely personal – so I know that my thoughts and opinions are not for everyone else – and that’s fine.  I want us to really challenge our assumptions, preconceived notions, and listen to one another.

2.  This post is written with the intention of us Christian ladies coming together – as we are called to do – to encourage one another to be better wives, and more fulfilled women not to be gratuitous, sensational, gossipy, or divulge information that would make our husbands uncomfortable.

3.  Although this post is written by a woman, for women it comes with lots, and lots, and lots of information straight from not just one man, but many men’s perspective.  My husband (who, unlike many men, has noooooo problem being open and sharing his thoughts and feelings) is something of an amateur psychologist.  He loves talking to people and learning about them, analyzing why they do what they do.  And he has been the sounding board to many a man’s perspective on this subject.  While I’m more interested in the hearing from the ladies – if there is anything I have to say to the men it is this: TALK to your wives – openly and honestly – about your feelings, about which (hopefully) you have given considerable thought to beforehand.  There.  Done with the men – back to the ladies.

4.  I do not intend this to be an argument or debate about, or to pass judgment on specific acts, preferences, desires, etc . . .  I leave each person/couple to decide what’s OK for you.  Rather, it should be a conversation on the topic in general, things that hold us back from having the sex-life we should/want to have, and ways to overcome them.

Geez, I could write a book on this topic.  So it may be the subject of several posts rather than one.  We’ll see where it goes.  There are a million blog posts out there from a Christian woman’s perspective on making sure you give your best self to your husband, don’t just wear sweats around the house, how we shouldn’t always turn them down because we’re tired or “not in the mood.”  This is not that post.

This is a post to challenge you to go far beyond that.  This is a post that says you should be entirely comfortable with your husband on this subject – discussing every fantasy, using every word.  This is a post that says you should/can/deserve to be excited – like giddy excited – at the thought of sex with your husband.  This is a post that says you should be willing to step outside your comfort zone (within reason) to meet his desires, and be everything that he would like you to be – AND that you deserve the SAME from him.

My husband and I often ponder on how the topic of sex  in a marriage is either no big deal, or it’s a massive big deal.  Meaning, if everything is going well, and each person is content with the current “state of affairs,” the topic of sex is really like a non-issue.  But if someone is not happy it is a HUGE deal, and the sad thing is that if you don’t have openness and communication about it, the other person may never know – or not know until it’s caused all kinds of problems.  Sex is a regular topic of conversation between my husband and me.  But that takes work, and stepping out of the warm, fuzzy comfort zone.  I know it is not easy – and improving this part of your marriage, like any other, is a process.

But why don’t people talk about it more?  SERIOUSLY – this is not rhetorical – please weigh in here.  There are so many reasons.

Men don’t talk about it because men often just aren’t talkers (Fortunately, not a problem in my house).  Men (women too – but more often men) don’t talk about it because they are afraid of being judged by their spouses.

Women don’t talk about it because they’ve been made to feel that “ladies” don’t talk about it, because they’re embarrassed for whatever reason, because they’ve had bad experiences with it, because they’re just not interested in it, the list goes on.

Now – go back to my point #2 above – I don’t think this should be a topic just bantered about for sensationalism or gossip.  But couples should absolutely be completely at ease with one another one it.  I know sooooooo many women who aren’t even comfortable using basic, basic words in conversation with their husbands.  If you cannot look your husband in the eye and say “penis” with the same straight-faced, devil-may-care ease as you say “potato” something is not right.

Why don’t women talk about it with one another more?  As Christians we are supposed to lift each other up, encourage one another, support one another.  We counsel and console our sisters on everything from how to hold our tongues, to how to hold our babies to breastfeed – but sex is a taboo subject among many Christian women.

I have obviously only skimmed the surface here, and most of this post revolves around the common problem of a simple lack of communication.  But what do you think?

How would you like your sex life to be better?  Or have you made that journey from a stale, boring bedroom – to an exciting and adventurous one?  And how did you do it?  If your husband asked you to do something you never even considered before, what would your reaction be?  What should your reaction be?  What are the major roadblocks to a better sex life for you?  Is it lack of communication, being too tired, not being on the same page as your spouse?

I sincerely hope to hear from you. 🙂

Photo credit here.

 

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30 thoughts on “Calling All Christian Women . . . Let’s talk about sex.

  1. I loved your post, I’m not married though, so not sure if I should weigh in with the rest of the Christian ladies here. lol. My boyfriend and I had a similar convo last night though so I was ready to receive your post. He so does not like to talk about it, but I’m a blunt chatterbox. I think it’s a fear of hurting the other person’s feelings that makes some people not want to talk about things so openly. Like the person will be offended or hurt that what’s happening is not the best.

    • Exactly! Navigating those feelings is a difficult thing. And something that I think every couple who strives for that level of openness will HAVE to go. Having done so I can say that it is well worth it!
      The person expressing themselves needs to be sensitive to not making their desires for change come across as personal criticisms. And the person listening needs to really listen, with the mindset of “Let’s improve our sex life and our marriage!” not “Let me be judgmental and take things personally.” It’s NOT easy!

  2. Kudos to you for having the courage to take on the subject. I was raised in a family where we girls talked very openly about EVERYTHING and if we had a question about anything sexual, we were given a very clear, correct answer on it. I am thankful for that, because I think it helped me to be open and communicate on said topic with my girls (who are both now married) and with my husband. Communication is key!!!! If you are scared to talk about it with your sisters, you are probably scared to bring it up with your husband. You have to be able to express your needs and make him comfortable and willing to express his.

    With that said, mother also cautioned sharing your specific (think details) sexual exploits with friends as those are to be kept between you and your spouse. Don’t go bragging about how good you’ve got it, so to speak…..others may be a little too curious.

    • Very good point! Descretion cannot go out the window just because you’re deciding to take on the topic of sex. As with any subject we talk about, we’re obligated as Christians to not cross the line into bragging, gossiping, etc. And that’s not easy – maybe why some people stay away from it entirely. But I think it’s a really misunderstood, underserved topic – and a topic where it is possible to have edifying, encouraging conversations among women.
      I’m so thankful for you sharing! And it’s so nice to hear from someone who is so comfortable and wise with the subject.

  3. I’m divorced, and I have been for about 15 years. I didn’t grow up in church culture, so I don’t know if my experiences are really typical. I don’t really have any problems talking about sex, although like ldaffin said, I don’t share specific personal details of my sex life outside of my relationships unless my partner is aware of when talking to. I think it’s important to be respectful of your partner’s privacy. When I was married, I found that my husband seemed to feel inadequate if I asked for something in the bedroom or sometimes even if I tried to -show- him what I enjoyed by moving his hand or something like that. (And I did try very hard not to raise anything like it was a personal criticism. I think some men are raised to believe that they need to be knowledgeable about sex, or good at it or something, so maybe they don’t like to ask because it’s socially expected that they already know, and then they end up feeling inferior and insecure.

    • I think that’s a really important point, Rose. And it’s something that my husband has validated from his conversations with men. They either feel like they need to know it all, like you said, or think they do. You really have to approach the situation with the attitude that, no matter how much you know, you still don’t know anything about this particular person – at least at first. It’s way better to adopt a humble attitude of wanting to learn everything about the other, and please them, than one of already being an expert, or being unwilling to change things up. And that will be a lot less pressure too.
      This needs to be matched with someone who is not too shy to show what they like, which I think is a common female problem – although, fortunately, not for you.
      I think this leads into the point that – you have to maintain that attitude of learning about the other and not get complacent. You have to acknowledge that yourself and your partner will change. My husband and I think another thing that really trips up relationships is the inability to grow and change together, particularly with sex. I think that a lot of people reach a “comfort zone” with what they do, and feel like they “know” the other one, and then get threatened when the other wants to explore different things, or have a hard time expressing their own changing desires – instead of looking at it as an evolving topic on which interests can differ from day to day, or year to year.
      What great insight, Rose! Thank you for contributing.

  4. This is such a fantastic topic! Women everywhere (regardless of culture, age or religion) need to be able to talk openly with their partners and their families/friends about sex. Not in the sense that we should all start talking about nothing else, or sharing particular details in the wrong places, but just in the sense that we should be *able* to, if we need or want to.

    You can learn a lot from other people to make you (sexually) a better, more generous and happier person. Especially when communicating with your partner – girls, if you can’t tell him what you do and don’t like, you’re headed for trouble. At best, you might become dissatisfied/bored. At worst, you could start to build resentment and the relationship may sour. We’re supposed to be communicating adults here!

    I think they keys to being able to discuss these things openly are: generosity (especially when discussing things with your partner), a sense of humor (pretty much essential), discretion (to know when to say what to whom and why) and maturity (penis is an anatomical term people! Half the world has one!).

    One thing I would recommend for anyone who is really freaked out about genitalia/the names for various bits/whatever is to do the old school kids’ trick of finding a book/webpage on anatomy and having a really good read/look through the sections on things that you’re uncomfortable about. A physiology textbook will give you even more information about related processes and other trivia, such as how an orgasm works and why many men seem to have a pressing need to fall asleep right afterwards! 😛

    I think a large part of any discomfort/embarrassment comes from percieved ignorance, or an ingrained idea that these things are ‘shameful’. The textbooks will set things out in clear, informative, scientifc ways, and take some of the ‘forbidden’ edge off. Then when you get your hands on the real thing (as it were), you can have fun teaching the other person all the latin names for the different bits of their bits. This is actually a hilarious icebreaker, especially if the man is nervous and is having trouble, er, rising to the occasion. Taking some time to play and have a laugh at how silly the names for things sound breaks tension like nobody’s business, and doesn’t lay blame anywhere when things aren’t going to plan. 🙂

    Wow, sorry for the wall of text 😛

    Syl

    • Thank you, thank you for your wall of text!! I totally concur. You’re insights are powerful, and downright hilarious (in a good way – LOL)!

      I AGREE that women everywhere should be doing this. I only addressed this to Christians because it’s a community I belong to where I see communication on this issue is often a problem. And I do think it often has to do with the “shame” factor.

      You made some excellent observations that haven’t been brought up yet. Like the fact that sex should bring happiness, and fun, and even HUMOR! A healthy sex life is not just an issue of necessity for a good marriage, but I believe it’s an issue of personal happiness as well. I love your ideas! I’m so gonna learn some latin names for things now. LOL

      And you perfectly vocalized what I was trying to say, but couldn’t find the words for – that “You can learn a lot from other people to make you (sexually) a better, more generous and happier person.” And you don’t have to be over-sharing, or gratuitous to do it.

      I hope to hear more from you, on any topic!

  5. I loved reading this post. Your point is executed so well in fact, that if I were married it would at least start a conversation
    between me and my mate. I’m not married….YET… but I’m waiting and on the man that God has designed for me. When I do get married, sex will not be taboo. It’s a natural act and if you can’t be open and naked totally in front of your mate, then who. I asked a married friend who has been with her spouse for 20 years and she said, we just don’t talk about that… bottom line this needs to be heard. Kudos to you for being bold enough for doing it, and i don’t think it diminished the Christian in you at all.
    Dee
    deejourneyofafabmom

      • Oh thank you and I absolutely receive that! In the name of Jesus, I receive it. You just keep blogging as the spirit is leading you. Don’t worry of its what folks want to hear, or if you should say it. If your spirit is convicted Do it. Be true to you and I totally felt that in your post. I am excited to see where this blog takes you. I will continue reading. Be blessed sis!

  6. This was a great topic to write about. I think a lot of couples have had dialogue about this just as a lot of couples had not. I agree with the commenters that couples don’t share their thoughts because they don’t want to offend each other.
    As much as I think that you need to be open with one another and willing to please your husbands/boyfriends needs and desires like yours, I also think that first of all it is important of how you feel. If trying to please spouse’s desires make their partner to feel uncomfortable it is not healthy. That’s why it is definitely important to talk about things.
    And I think it takes a lot of time and love to be willing to accept spouse’s needs as its own.

    • Thank you, Ruta. Excellent point!
      While I would NEVER advocate anyone, man or woman, doing something that makes you uncomfortable – I do strongly advocate “getting out of your comfort zone” if that makes any sense. I guess what I mean by that is being willing to question and redefine your assumptions about sex, and willing to be open-minded.
      I think this is CRITICAL, because I have seen it over, and over, and over cause massive problems in a relationship (for both parties – because if one person is unhappy it will affect the other). Often if a man asks for something that is beyond “the norm” for them – or something a little unconventional, the woman has a gut reaction that it’s “dirty,” “not what she’s into,” a million other reasons and shuts him down before carefully considering the cost. This causes two things (1) the man has his desire go unfulfilled (And while I believe that not everyone gets everything they want in life – I feel many women are too quick to dismiss the importance of this to men.), and (2) the man usually feels his desires have been judged by the reaction and is less likely to communicate on the subject in the future.
      Instead, I believe women need to put way more thought into any idea that is brought to them before they shut it down. Question why they have the beliefs and assumptions about it that they do, and honestly weigh whether those things hold water, whether they are worth the potential damage to the relationship of not being open-minded. Often having a lot more discussion with their partners about the “whys” and “how did this fantasy originate” can make you feel more at ease. Sometimes, my husband and I have talked about things for months – yep, months, before trying something. Being on the same page is very important. And also – negotiate. Yes, negotiate! Find a common ground to fulfill a fantasy that makes you both comfortable instead of just shutting it down.
      Keep in mind that in everything I’m saying the gender roles could be reversed – women deserve this consideration too, it’s just that men are usually more open-minded from the get-go.
      The person bringing up the new idea should also be mindful that sex is a very progressive thing. If their partner is not willing to go for their original idea, they may be willing to take a baby step toward it. And they should accept and be happy about that – you never know where it will lead.
      Two more important points – you’ll never really know what you like until you try something, you may love it! And if you just give it a try you’ll know whether it’s for you and you may decide to never do it again – and that’s all right. Hey, you tried! And that alone can go a long way to help a relationship.
      Which brings me to my final ramble here – LOL. The person presenting their fantasy has a lot of responsibility here too: to communicate clearly and be open to lots of discussion and compromise, to take what is offered and be happy that their partner is willing to try something even if it is not exactly what they envisioned, and to accept and wholeheartedly move on with no resentment when they are turned down (I say this with the caveat that I totally understand how it builds resentment when men are shot down all the time – but if your partner is trying to be open-minded and willing to do some new things than when they really do say “no” it needs to be respected with no lingering bitterness.)
      Again, I never advocate doing anything you’re uncomfortable with. But I do advocate a ton of thought and discussion before deciding what you’re uncomfortable with. My feelings on many things have totally changed by doing this – and I am sooooo glad my husband and I had the communication and put the effort in to do it.
      I’m so glad you weighed in! Everyone who does brings such new and great points to the discussion. Thank you!

  7. This is actually a topic that has come up recently with my friends, a few of whom are struggling with their marriages. I think the big problem is probably communication but a bigger part of it is lack of a sex life or lack of interest in one. I’ve been married for 17 years and I must confess for a good part of that I just “Went through the motions”. Some of that had to do with the hormones of having kids. my youngest is now 6 and I finally feel like Im getting my body back. for the past 2 years or so we have been making more of an effort to spice things up and I must say that it has a snowball affect on the rest of our relationship. The more time we spend loving each other the more loving our relationship becomes.

    • I’m so glad you commented! It is a difficult undertaking when life, and kids, and everything get in the way – but you are right that it pays off big. So worth the effort! It sounds like you and your husband really have what it takes to make it work! It is sad when things go bad for lack of communication. I hope that you can be an encouragement and wonderful example to your friends. Best wishes. ~ Vida

      • Thanks Vida, sadly it’s such a personal and private thing and very difficult to talk about. They are at the stage where I was a few years ago where they don’t want to make an effort because they have lost that feeling for their husband but I told them they have to just put in the effort and when they do their husbands will respond and soon it will be a joy not an effort and you remember why you fell in love with them and married them in the first place! lol

  8. Praise God! What an outpouring of thoughts and feelings! I picked reading this particular post because I was in the topic of Christians openly talking about sex. What I found was totally not what I had expected to find. I thought you wrote earlier on that men were welcomed to comment, too. If this be true, I’m really grateful. I would so enjoy being able to read, and sometimes comment on, your blog. I found you because you first found me. I would be very happy if you chose to follow me. I’d be even happier if you commented on my blog.

    • Hi Gary, and welcome! I’m so glad you are enjoying my blog. I really want it to be a place for people to come together to share the wonderful things God is doing in their lives and appreciate Him together. I love everyone to comment, and I can’t wait to check out your blog. On the topic of sex, you are welcome to comment. While I addressed a couple thoughts to men in general, I don’t engage in back-and-forth conversation with specific men (other than my husband, of course 🙂 ) on this topic. But your insights may be valuable for all those reading this post, and others may want to respond to you. I hope you continue to enjoy my postings. Blessings ~ Vida

  9. Hi. I’ve noticed you are a recent follower of my blog and I came over to get to know a fellow blogger. (love you blog theme, lol, it’s the same as mine:)) I was immediately drawn to this post and I love the things you have to say. I have thought many similar things. I have written a few times about the topic of sex as well and have been wanting to write another. It is something I feel like Christian women need to be frequently discussing as it is such a big part of marriage, but there can be so much baggage associated with it. It is hard to talk about because like you said, there is this feeling that we shouldn’t be talking about it. Thank you for writing this!

    • Hi Rebekah:
      Thank you so much for visiting and commenting. (I just love the bouquet theme 🙂 Tried a million and keep coming back to this. LOL)
      I can’t wait to check out your posts on this topic. It is so refreshing to find like-minded Christian ladies who also feel that this topic is under-discussed. Thank you for reading it, and joining the discussion. If we can encourage more women to open up, and share advise, I believe we can help build better marriages and happier people.
      Blessings ~ Vida

  10. You wrote this post awhile ago, so the conversation may be closed… but here I am, a wife, young mom, Christian women, with no where else to turn for advice on making love with my husband except the internet.

    Why can’t Christian women talk about this? I don’t know, but they can’t. It’s too person. It’s too private. To discuss it seems dishonoring to my husband and my marriage. To discuss it covers me with shame that I am not joyfully fulfilled with our current routine. To discuss it begs the questions of past sexual sins and wondering if my discontentment in sex is my paying penance for past mistakes in my current God-honoring marriage.

    Shame. The reason I do not discuss sex with other Christian women is shame. Shame in the issues I’m having. Shame in my feeling fulfilled by my husband. Shame in all that I do not know. Shame in all the things we have tried that have not worked. Shame.

    • I’m so so sorry I haven’t seen this comment until now. New baby. Work. All that. You very honest, pertinent words ring true. I know it’s been a while since you wrote them, but I am lifting you and your marriage high in prayer and proclaiming victory for you, closeness, intimacy, passion, excitement, fulfillment for you. Remember that your marriage is the symbol of the love between Christ and His church and there is no shame there. Your sins are in the tomb and He remembers them no more! Do not let Satan remind you of shame that God has forgiven you for. I know that it is very, very hard to discuss these things with those we know. As a wife and mother who has sinned, boy have I, I will just let you know it is safe to pour your heart out to me if you need to. Sorry again I’m only now seeing this. XO

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