Yep, s.e.x. Let me first say what I want this conversation to be and not to be.
1. I want it to be an actual conversation. I welcome all opinions and comments. I’m not offended by the thoughts and opinions of others on this topic (or any topic for that matter). And I know this topic is intensely personal – so I know that my thoughts and opinions are not for everyone else – and that’s fine. I want us to really challenge our assumptions, preconceived notions, and listen to one another.
2. This post is written with the intention of us Christian ladies coming together – as we are called to do – to encourage one another to be better wives, and more fulfilled women not to be gratuitous, sensational, gossipy, or divulge information that would make our husbands uncomfortable.
3. Although this post is written by a woman, for women it comes with lots, and lots, and lots of information straight from not just one man, but many men’s perspective. My husband (who, unlike many men, has noooooo problem being open and sharing his thoughts and feelings) is something of an amateur psychologist. He loves talking to people and learning about them, analyzing why they do what they do. And he has been the sounding board to many a man’s perspective on this subject. While I’m more interested in the hearing from the ladies – if there is anything I have to say to the men it is this: TALK to your wives – openly and honestly – about your feelings, about which (hopefully) you have given considerable thought to beforehand. There. Done with the men – back to the ladies.
4. I do not intend this to be an argument or debate about, or to pass judgment on specific acts, preferences, desires, etc . . . I leave each person/couple to decide what’s OK for you. Rather, it should be a conversation on the topic in general, things that hold us back from having the sex-life we should/want to have, and ways to overcome them.
Geez, I could write a book on this topic. So it may be the subject of several posts rather than one. We’ll see where it goes. There are a million blog posts out there from a Christian woman’s perspective on making sure you give your best self to your husband, don’t just wear sweats around the house, how we shouldn’t always turn them down because we’re tired or “not in the mood.” This is not that post.
This is a post to challenge you to go far beyond that. This is a post that says you should be entirely comfortable with your husband on this subject – discussing every fantasy, using every word. This is a post that says you should/can/deserve to be excited – like giddy excited – at the thought of sex with your husband. This is a post that says you should be willing to step outside your comfort zone (within reason) to meet his desires, and be everything that he would like you to be – AND that you deserve the SAME from him.
My husband and I often ponder on how the topic of sex in a marriage is either no big deal, or it’s a massive big deal. Meaning, if everything is going well, and each person is content with the current “state of affairs,” the topic of sex is really like a non-issue. But if someone is not happy it is a HUGE deal, and the sad thing is that if you don’t have openness and communication about it, the other person may never know – or not know until it’s caused all kinds of problems. Sex is a regular topic of conversation between my husband and me. But that takes work, and stepping out of the warm, fuzzy comfort zone. I know it is not easy – and improving this part of your marriage, like any other, is a process.
But why don’t people talk about it more? SERIOUSLY – this is not rhetorical – please weigh in here. There are so many reasons.
Men don’t talk about it because men often just aren’t talkers (Fortunately, not a problem in my house). Men (women too – but more often men) don’t talk about it because they are afraid of being judged by their spouses.
Women don’t talk about it because they’ve been made to feel that “ladies” don’t talk about it, because they’re embarrassed for whatever reason, because they’ve had bad experiences with it, because they’re just not interested in it, the list goes on.
Now – go back to my point #2 above – I don’t think this should be a topic just bantered about for sensationalism or gossip. But couples should absolutely be completely at ease with one another one it. I know sooooooo many women who aren’t even comfortable using basic, basic words in conversation with their husbands. If you cannot look your husband in the eye and say “penis” with the same straight-faced, devil-may-care ease as you say “potato” something is not right.
Why don’t women talk about it with one another more? As Christians we are supposed to lift each other up, encourage one another, support one another. We counsel and console our sisters on everything from how to hold our tongues, to how to hold our babies to breastfeed – but sex is a taboo subject among many Christian women.
I have obviously only skimmed the surface here, and most of this post revolves around the common problem of a simple lack of communication. But what do you think?
How would you like your sex life to be better? Or have you made that journey from a stale, boring bedroom – to an exciting and adventurous one? And how did you do it? If your husband asked you to do something you never even considered before, what would your reaction be? What should your reaction be? What are the major roadblocks to a better sex life for you? Is it lack of communication, being too tired, not being on the same page as your spouse?
I sincerely hope to hear from you. 🙂
Photo credit here.